Priyanka
Once I was reading an article in which the writer mentioned, “The children from defense background have stronger personalities.” I guess there is some truth in that, but he forgot to mention how many of us are forced to mature for various reasons at different stages of our life. Separation from parents is an inevitable part of life for any defense child. As a teenager, I made a promise to myself that I was never going to be like my parents who were both in that sector.
My mom was 21 when I was born. She did not know how to take care of a child and carry out her duties to the nation, simultaneously. So, she left me with my Nani (maternal grandmother) in Uttarakhand, India, and I was very happy there. Up until then I never knew I had been missing something in my life. I had not experienced that kind of unconditional love until then. Her love was pure and deep, and she had no expectations of anyone. She loved me the most from all my cousins, something they still complain about to this day.
When I turned three, my parents came back, and I was forced to return with them to their place in Lucknow where nothing was familiar. Ironically, this is where I first experienced homesickness. I began my schooling, and my classmates had all these wonderful stories to share about their parents but I barely knew mine and they barely knew me. They used to be busy with their work and since I was the eldest, I was expected to be dutiful . I had a lot of responsibilities and I was always expected to set the perfect example for every kid in my family.
My school life was difficult. I was an introvert; I neither had any friends nor the confidence to face the world. I used to spend my time in exploring creative art, reading books and outdoors, in nature. I penned down my feelings in a diary which seemed more like a friend to me; and I finally found a place to express all those thoughts I couldn’t say out loud.
I was broken and hurt. I felt lost and abandoned. I struggled all my life to be accepted and loved by my family. Each time I came close to giving up, nature always found a way to save me and I realized that the only thing that kept me safe was faith. My parents practice Heartfulness meditation and I started reading books written by the Heartfulness guides whose teachings are so enriching.
I took up meditation when I was in my first year of college. I had always loved volunteering for Heartfulness events since I was a child. My heart felt the happiest when it realized that the best way to feel good is to do good for others but not expect anything in return. I had expected a lot from my parents and other people and this made my life miserable. I gradually learnt to forgive, pray, and let go. I learnt from personal experience that suffering may come from a certain kind of environment or circumstance but joy and happiness are within you.
Heartfulness is an integral part of my life now. I have found a home away from home. The journey from a broken, scared little girl to becoming a strong independent woman was quite intense, but it was worth it. I lost my Nani two years ago and I had to be a strong support for my mother at that time. I did my part. My little sister and her friends see me as their role model, but my role model is and always will be Daaji, the current guide of Heartfulness meditation.
