What does it mean to be in a loving relationship? How does one become selfless? How much does perfectionism help or hinder us as we develop spiritual partnerships with each other?

I have not been successful in past relationships where I felt the need to dominate. The more I tried to control, the more overwhelmed and frustrated I would become with myself and the other person. The more expectations I had of myself and my relationship, the more I lowered my self-esteem.

The question remains: Can I restrain myself to be a better partner and have a healthy relationship?

I had put my heart in a box with a pretty ribbon marked “Looking Good.” I had aimed at patching up, manipulating, and avoiding facing reality, and had projected all my fantasies onto a relationship, but to no avail. I felt suffocated because I wasn’t being fully honest with myself. I couldn’t breathe, or be my true Self. Clearly, there was no “we” in this partnership.

Suggested Read: How guided meditation transformed my life?

With my heart in a box, I allowed myself to be demeaned and abused. As the domestic violence escalated, I turned to the strength of Heartfulness, my meditative and spiritual practice, to find the strength to leave. In the words of the current Heartfulness guide Daaji, the unhappy chain of events had created a shift in me to embrace the Spirit.

Still, I left the relationship with deep scars, burying my loss and confusion to move on to more “important things.” Who needed relationships anyway? The bitterness kept my heart tangled up in the knots of my many “nots.” I will not love. I will not trust. I will not forgive. I will not be in a relationship ever again.

I had a lot to learn. And I am still learning. It has taken twenty years to finally discover, through my Heartfulness practice, that the only thing that stops my heart from healing is trying to be in control. When I surrender to the spiritual cleaning, to the meditation, and to the Light in my Heart, my soul is released into a world where love is true and real,and very much possible.

To not love is unnatural. It takes too much energy to invest in resentment, fear, and bitterness. I am convinced that my Heartfulness practice has given me the courage to climb the mountain before me, face up to any character defects and hope for a mutually nurturing relationship with another person.

I am fortunate to have had the spiritual guides of Heartfulness as role models to look up to, as I climbed over the rocky terrain of mypain. I faced the fears within me, embracing them as they flowed through the process of spiritual cleaning. And yes, I needed professional help too, to help me keep my footing, and stand my ground. With my therapist and the guides, I have come to a place where I can see many mountains ahead of me, challenging, beautiful, and covered in Light. I don’t have to stay in the darkness and discomfort of hating anymore. The ways of the mountain can be treacherous and glorious. But I am ready to see the clouds passing by and feel the wind of release on my face. Life really is beautiful even when climbing up through the pain.