- Disha Joshi

My conservative, middle-class upbringing suffered a severe jolt when, at the age of 8 years, my mother left us suddenly to pursue another life. I don’t even remember calling her “Ma” and my feelings for her were driven by anger and resentment that she had opted out of raising a family and, instead, had moved on with her life and loftier ambitions. Growing up, whenever I heard a particular song, ‘Meri Ma’ from the popular movie, ‘Taare Zameen Par’, I would cover my ears in frustration; the mother’s love depicted in the song was all a lie to me. It was painful for me when anybody asked where my mother was and equally heartrending to hear my friends’ anecdotes about their own mothers’ gestures of love.

At one point, I told my father that I would speak to her and ask her to come back to us, and when it didn’t work I started hating her even more. But my father, who had endured so much told me, “Don’t hate her like that. It’s okay, whatever has happened, let it be.” I don’t know how he could be so generous, and it touched my heart. Through all of this, I was very fortunate to have the strong, loving presence of my grandmother – I truly believe that if I have anything good in me, it is only because of her. She taught me all about life and values, and despite her fragile health, it seemed that her purpose in life was to be a mother to me. What a difference that made to my childhood!

As a young girl, I didn’t make friends easily because of my childhood circumstances and the trust issues rising from that. However, in my senior years at school, I decided to turn a new page, leave behind old baggage and make new friends, some of whom I can now count as lifelong pals. When I turned 18, a few of my friends took up Heartfulness meditation, and I also felt the pull to join in after observing positive changes in them. I can say Heartfulness ‘happened’ to me and my life changed forever from the very first session when I experienced transmission for the first time! Although my practice wasn’t regular to begin with, I still felt the love starting to pour in; every decision, every action, every moment became heartful.
The effect was such that it was as though I had a personality makeover – from a short-tempered, frustrated person, I turned to someone very quiet and calm, always smiling and spreading positivity around. I can’t believe it has already been 4 years and the way I have changed has come as a pleasant surprise to my family and friends who appreciate this transformation in me. I started looking at things in a new way. All of my angst just vanished and it was as if now, everything was worth it. I also reached out to my mother again, this time with much happier consequences. We settled our differences and forgave each other to give us a fresh start.

But sadly, this new-found bond was broken when we got the tragic news that my mother had met with an accident and had died on the spot. When I saw my mother for the last time, I didn’t cry, instead I prayed fervently for her soul. During meditation for three days after her passing, I could sense her presence around me as though she was trying to communicate. Now, she is no more, and Heartfulness has taught me to be strong and accept her loss. At that point in my life, it played a major role in helping me gain inner strength, and look at life with a whole new perspective.
When I look back, I feel it was all pre-planned. All of it makes sense now. Everything began to settle down when I started feeling the presence of the divine, which was always there in my heart, I realized. I always used to complain “Why me?”. But now I am thankful and say “Thank God, it was me!”.