There is nothing I can do. But wait. And watch. And listen. Suddenly the outside world is non-existent as we stay safe at home. My self esteem has had a hit, as it is focused on outside approval for my appearance, my work, even my spiritual practice. At least that was until COVID-19.<\/p>\n
When \u201cstay at home\u201d orders meant my doctor demanding I stop working at the shelter, I balked. It triggered my sense of being devalued or less than. I had been working for less than a year and I wanted to prove myself to my employer. How could I be \u201chigh risk?\u201d Still, I decided to listen. There was a quiet voice within me that said \u201cThis is the best thing that could have ever happened to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
And it is true. I have been practicing Heartfulness since 1989, but COVID-19 has brought me the humility and curiosity of someone just starting off. I have immersed myself in the special editions of Heartfulness Magazine on Yoga and Yogic Psychology<\/a>, I have been thirsty for reflection and have been drinking Babuji\u2019s wisdom of \u2018The Efficacy of Yoga\u2019, as well as the book Love and Death<\/em> by Chariji<\/a>, the third guide of Heartfulness. The videos of Babuji\u2019s<\/a> life brought me into the world of one who felt himself unimportant, yet able to \u201cspin the world like a top.\u201d After watching them, I felt closer to experiencing his true Reality. <\/p>\n Finally, after twenty years, my mind is becoming my friend and my ally. My meditation<\/a> journal steers me towards the future. All these realizations are expanding my consciousness so I feel I am never alone, though I live alone. My low self-esteem has disappeared as my Self has taken over. I see that I am part of the big picture. I am complete and part of a whole universe. <\/p>\n My eating disorder is getting better. I remember to be grateful for the food I can afford, for the work that I can do. I am not afraid to have a fridge full of food, to create beautiful meals for myself and my dear neighbor, and to remember that I could never have done this even six months ago. Learning different asanas<\/em> (yoga poses)<\/a> is helping me to create love for my body. I can be in my own skin, instead of disassociating into some media-based fantasy of the appropriate body size.<\/p>\n I find patience where there used to be frustration, and forgiveness toward self and others where there used to be toxic criticism. I no longer become as ballistic when I am outside around those who choose not to wear a mask. My being \u201chigh risk\u201d isn\u2019t about them. I am still learning how to keep constant remembrance in the forefront when I am starting to become fearful of dying or getting the virus. None of us is exempt from Nature\u2019s actions. I am human. I am vulnerable.<\/p>\n